Watching all two hours of Underworld is like being trapped in room full of highly concentrated acid. At first, it burns away your skin, but after a while, you just want to kill yourself. While not as bad as Queen of the Damned, Underworld does prove to be the second worst film of the year, narrowly edging above The Order while also proving to be one of the worst vampire/werewolf movies ever made. It tries way too hard to be edgy and gothic but it comes off cheesy, cheap, clichéd, convoluted, contrived and highly derivative.

      The story follows Selene (the sexy Kate Bekinsale) as she tracks down and kills werewolves or Lycan as they are annoyingly called in the film. In the process she meets Michael Corvin (Scott Speedman), a human who has the capability to bring both species together, something that the werewolves desire. She finds out that her mentor, Viktor (Bill Nighy) is evil and she kills him while her boyfriend, the human from before, gets to turn into a vampire/werewolf hybrid thingy, which looks more like an orc from  Lord of the Rings, bringing an end to the war for the time being. Im giving out all the plot details because, well, the films trailer did. The only entertaining aspects of this movie are the ones you see in the trailer. That cool scene where Selene flies through the air and lands in a puddle of water in some sewer type situation with an old man behind her--thats the scene where she kills the bad guy. Thanks Screen Gems for giving it all away before we ever got there. All that cool flying around and Matrix style action that you see in the trailer, well thats all there is. The film feels like a theatrically released straight-to-video movie. Without Bekinsales presence, it is doubtful that this film would have ever been shown earlier than midnight on Cinemax.

      The direction is awful. Len Wiseman has no idea what he is doing. There is virtually no coverage on the action scenes. When someone runs down a hall with guns, we only get one shot of it, nothing else. No above angle or close-up of the gun. Boring! The film is flushed with black, blue, grey and dark grey, an artistic decision that feels very cheap and pointless. All the characters walk around in their Goth clothes and skin tight leather as though vampires invented it. The setting of the film takes place in, oh thats right, we never find out where it takes place. It would have been nice to have a city name, even if it was a fake name, like Gotham. Hell, they could have used Gotham, what do they care? Theyre stealing ideas and names left and right anyway. Most of the vampires have British accents as though that makes them cooler and the city looks European gothic, yet there are very American elements in the film. Its hard to tell what the writer and the director wanted here.

      The biggest unintentional laugh comes when the eldest vampire, Viktor, has a fight sequence with Michael after he has turned into the vampire/werewolf/orc hybrid thingy. The entire theater rang out in laughter as the 54 year old actor faced the 28 year old actor. He hisses at Michael and lunges towards him like a cheesy 70s B-movie vampire would. His punches look un-choreographed and you can see a genuine pain in his face as he grows tired and weak from fighting. Pathetic. You could also play some sort of drinking game every time a vampires reflection is seen in a mirror or through glass. Youd be drunk as hell by the end of the movie.

      The rest of the film is boring and pointless. Its easy to see why this film is involved in several law suits from numerous writers. They deserve to win this suit. There isnt a single original element weaved throughout the entire two hours. Underworld will leave you with a stench that isnt easy to wash off. Seek shelter and avoid this bomb from landing on you.